fragmented

I'm a little fractured right now. A certain adult female in my life who shall remain nameless chose to call & be rather antisocial to me while drinking with another adult female. I think I've moved beyond caring about what they said--even though it was worth 5 years of therapy. But the fact that I had trouble being mean back is bugging me & the fact that I know I will forgive at least the one for being mean drunk party girl & purposely selecting me to be their verbal punching bag--not because they deserve it but because I can't hold the rage & I need to forgive them for me & my beliefs. I'm planning on writing them a letter detailing why what they said was wrong, cruel & they should have never done it drunk or not. & I am so not talking to them for a few months. But if they weren't family (whether by choice or blood, I shan't say), I could walk away & forget them. But the reason they could be so effective in hatefulness was how well they know me. A person outside of my life & not an integral part of my life couldn't have even known the boundaries were there to step over them. Using my sexuality, my past & my beliefs against me for malicious drunken amusement. Some of which I had not chosen to discuss with them in any detail--even if they could tell.

I am not ashamed of my choices & will discuss things quite honestly & openly in an appropriate forum. I am comfortable with my alt religion & my mildly kinky side (just a few sprinkles of flavor, not enough to interest anybody other than my spouse) & the things I've experience over my lifetime. I am just angry that they chose to target me because my philosophy made it easy to be mean to me. I am going through a phase where I am trying to shift from passive-aggressive to assertive & not having to go all the way into being aggressive verbally when I'm angry. I want my conflict resolution to be non-violent communication in form but that doesn't mean I am a human punching bag or rug to be walked upon. A sex positive philosophy & religious tolerance & having made peace with an abusive past are not topics for humor, drunk or not. They are a reason for pride & joy & I will not let them take it from me. I will not allow them to push me back into the place where the only answer for rudeness is rudeness. I don't want to be like that. & I won't. I'm also angry that less than a day later I am already trying to see their side & move on. But I don't think they deserve it.

I wish himself was not at sea--I don't think it would have upset me so bad if he had been here. But I am blessed with caring, supportive friends who are helping me deal.

Sometimes it really is the other person. This seems to be the theme of the season. Usually, I think conflicts are caused through miscommunication &/or lack of knowledge & understanding. But I don't think so this time. They knew what they were doing. & they knew better--because you should never say the things they said. Therapists spend years saying the opposite to abuse victims & they knew that. Even if they thought I could take it & not be devastated by it--they still shouldn't have said it. What they said isn't bugging me as much as why they said it & the fact that they targeted me & who they are.

Drunk is not an excuse.

It is not okay.